Albus Dumbledore's Heterosexuality
by Elliot Pole
Summary: J.K. Rowling lied about Dumbledore's sexual orientation. I'm here to prove it. He likes a girl in Harry's year, and he recalls all the girls he was ever with, or wished he were with. He does NOT like men.


Evidence Expounding the Heterosexuality of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

**Evidence Expounding the Heterosexuality of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**

**Chapter One: Serafina Lumbig**

It was 1995. And Dumbledore was in love with a fifth year Ravenclaw.

Why, he had no idea. Love was so unexpected. It seemed to have happened over the summer. He had had a dream about Lisa Turpin in a bathing suit. But even more magnificent was that she was able to talk to him with an intelligence that surpassed Hermione Granger's. Oh, how he wanted to snuggle with her! But of course, he would not touch her without her permission. And he doubted a young girl like her would want to do things with an old man like himself. Nevertheless, he would try to woo her.

He tried to play Ping-Pong with a parakeet, but the parakeet won. It was impossible to concentrate on anything. He couldn't read _War and Peace _because the part where Sophia sacrifices her happiness so that her lover could marry another woman (who he did not love) always made him cry. And he felt like bursting into tears when he thought that Lisa Turpin might reject him.

Thinking of Lisa brought him to recollection of Serafina Lumbig, a sixth year he had had a crush on when he was Lisa's age. He decided a trip in the Pensieve would enhance the memory, so he pulled the Pensieve out, swirled his recollections of the past in it, and jumped down into it.

_Albus was in the Great Hall, and over at the Hufflepuff table Serafina was eating ravenously. She had red hair, a svelte dress, and a thin body. She wasn't very bright, but she worked hard. Her mother wanted her to become a Notchwoman—one of the ladies who serve rich countesses and baronesses as head of all the maids. Serafina did not want this; she considered it to be no better than being a slave. What she yearned to be was a rich lady herself, with her own Notchwomen. Her mother laughed at this. Mr. Lumbig was a janitor. Mrs. Lumbig's own mother had been so poor that she couldn't send her to Hogwarts. Serafina barely made it herself, because funds were so few in the Lumbig household. Thus, becoming a Notchwoman would be a high honor in Mrs. Lumbig's eyes._

_Serafina was worried about not being able to return to Hogwarts for the seventh year. She had to come back; all her friends were here, and her dream would require graduation from the most prestigious magical school in the country. No witch became rich and powerful without coming from Hogwarts. Sure the Beauxbatons students were all rich; but Serafina planned to attain wealth and opulence from abject poverty. Only graduation from Hogwarts would help her manage that._

_Albus had to approach her. He shouldn't get tongue-tied. He was probably the means of helping her achieve her dream. Working to attain the "greater good" would get him power, probably a position higher than the Minister of Magic. Serafina would have all the affluence, dresses, and servants she could possible want. She could treat people like dirt if she wanted to, and Albus wouldn't reproach her. For she deserved to be raised on the highest pedestal ever._

_He managed to get to the Hufflepuff table. In front of him were Serafina and her two friends._

"_What do _you _want?" Serafina asked, in an angry tone._

_Albus had no idea how he managed to say the next words, "I want you, Serafina Lumbig."_

"_Go away, Muddrifter," she said, snobbishly. "Muddrifter" was a pejorative that referred to someone who had one Muggle parent and one magical one. It was ironic that Serafina called Albus that, because he had a wizard and a witch for parents, while Serafina was the real Muddrifter..._

_The scene dissolved. Elphias was near Albus, his greenish face bent on studying for the looming O.W.L.'s. Elphias was hoping to get an 'O' in Transfiguration, for Professor Yabbor wouldn't accept anyone into his N.E.W.T. Transfiguration classes who hadn't at least gotten an O. He was sure to get an E in Potions, since that was his favorite subject. He intended to one day create a potion that could change the tint of hue of skin. Black wizards who want to be white could come to him; Hispanics who wished they were Asian, and so forth. Not that he really thought of Hispanics and Asians in those days—in the 1880's, people did not worry about those particular ethnic groups._

"_Elphias, why are you studying?"_

"_What's that, Albus?" asked the green-faced boy, looking up from his notes._

"_Is there any purpose to your studying? Where will it take you? Will you find love at the end of a rainbow?"_

"_Love, Albus? I can make love!"_

"_Ah, you and your potions. But falsely created love will not get you anywhere. One must know true passion, and I think I do."_

"_Serafina will never give you the time of day."_

"_Yes, she will Elphias. I think I've figured out how to make her love me at last."_

"_How?" Elphias asked, eagerly._

_Albus whispered in his ear. Elphias smiled, though in his heart he didn't think it would work…_

_Again the scene dissolved. This time the students were boarding the Hogwarts Express to go home. For Albus' year, the O.W.L's were over. People were so jubilant, not realizing that when they came back in the fall they'd have mountains of homework. _

_Albus checked compartment after compartment, searching ceaselessly for Serafina. Just when he thought she wouldn't be found, he discovered her crying in a compartment to herself. He entered, and asked her what was wrong._

_At first she stared at him with fierce eyes through her tears. When she finally deigned to speak, she said, "What would you care? You'll be coming back to Hogwarts next year, but I won't. My life is over. I'll be forced into servitude. I've got nothing but a horrible life to look forward to."_

"_I'm sure something will turn up to help you return," Albus said, calmly._

"_No, nothing will. My father can't pay, or the family will have to starve for half a year. And my little sister Griselda was supposed to start next year…" Her voice trailed off._

"_Serafina, you will come back next year."_

"_No, I won't. I've been assured that it's impossible. And even if I could come alone, I wouldn't. I want Griselda here, too. She turned eleven in April—I've told her so much about how great Hogwarts is, and now she'll never get to visit it."_

"_Never say never."_

"_Stop being so optimistic, Albus. If you make one more comment about how I should look on the bright side or that the future will turn out for the better, I will kick you out of this compartment. Clear?"_

_Albus nodded. He kept silent the rest of the train ride, as Serafina cried her heart out. Just being near her was enough to get his heart palpitating…_

_The scene dissolved. Now he was reading a tear-stained letter._

Dear Albus,

Thank you so much for the money to buy my books for the seventh year, and also for being considerate enough to include Griselda in your thoughts. She never shuts up about how much she'll love Hogwarts. And now I may have a good life after all. You have shown me that if one "waits and sees," great things will happen to them. When I am rich I will remember you and your blessings. See you in the fall.

Love,

Serafina.

_Albus was a little bemused at the phrase, "When I am rich," which made Serafina appear as if she believed it was her destiny to obtain wealth. But he was also hurt. He had expected her to fall in love with him due to his caring nature, his willingness to help her stay in Hogwarts…_

_Again, the scene dissolved. This time it was Hogsmeade weekend. And Serafina had agreed to go the Three Broomsticks with Albus. She now appeared to have a crush on him. He did a lot of her homework, but he loved doing it. For one thing, it would help him when he reached the seventh year. And for another, being her slave titillated every bone in his body. He'd die fighting a Chinese Fireball if she asked him to. Or jump off a cliff, go to Timbuktu, and become a charwoman. He sometimes wrote stories about her forcing him to do disgusting things—like lick scum off her shoe, or eat chimpanzee hide. This was what he wanted, to be her spaniel, like Helena asked Demetrius to let her be in _A Midsummer Night's Dream.

_At the Three Broomsticks, four girls who called themselves "Squalls" were huddled together behind Albus and Serafina's table. They were giggling tremendously and Albus could barely hear a thing Serafina was saying. He turned to them, and one of them blushed. Her name was Theresa Umjilik, and she wasn't bad looking. Albus didn't like her much; he didn't approve of these particular Hufflepuffs. He liked Ravenclaws best, even though he was in Gryffindor, and Serafina in Hufflepuff herself. Sometimes he wished that he had fallen in love with a Ravenclaw girl, for at least they had brains. Serafina could bore him by going on and on about how wonderful her three sisters were. And she was always with Griselda at school. While Albus did her homework, she ran off to play chess with her sister or some other nonsense. And she hadn't kissed Albus yet, even though she called him her boyfriend. _

_Serafina told Albus to go outside the restaurant for a bit. She had tidying up to do. He was reluctant to do so, but knew it couldn't be helped. The usually mild October weather was absent that day; it was very windy and chilly. He shivered a couple of times. The Squalls came out. Albus heard one of them say, "Go on, do it," and the other three push the fourth in his direction._

_It was Theresa. She stared at Albus whimsically. He wished he could run away, but his back was to the wall of the Three Broomsticks, and he didn't wish to allow Serafina believe he abandoned her. So he stayed put, cornered, transfixed, a little curious to see what Theresa would do. She put her arms about his neck, then kissed him. He couldn't push her away. Not that he lacked the strength to do so, but that he lacked the courage. He might break her heart, and that he could not stand._

_Theresa finished kissing him, and went away with the other Squalls, cachinnating at the recent event. _

_Serafina came out of the restaurant a second later. She seemed unperturbed, as if she had not witnessed the kiss. Or, if she had seen it, she didn't care._

_The scene dissolved once again. Serafina told Albus to go away; he had been following her for the past twelve minutes. _

"_Why don't you care that Theresa kissed me?" he asked her._

"_It doesn't matter, Albus. As many girls could kiss you and I wouldn't be bothered by it."_

"_I think you'd be a little more possessive if you really cared about me," Albus said, coldly._

"_Albus, there's something I need to tell you. You're too nice. I can't like something like that—I need someone with an edge of cruelty to him. You don't fit my 'type,' I think they call it. I didn't tell you before, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings."_

_But Albus was hurt. He left her, then. However, he still had a plan to win her, once and for all. For he was her ticket to riches and power—the two things she desired most. She would not sacrifice these things if only he could bring them to her, and with his brains he was guaranteed to do it._

_The next scene showed Albus arguing with Elphias Doge, the only time they ever quarreled. "How could you dare to be seen with her? You know what she has done to me!"_

"_You are joshing yourself, Albus. Theresa didn't hurt you. She was your first kiss; it's a memory to cherish. But now she's given up on you, since you only have eyes for Serafina."_

"_Elphias, Miss Umjilik is the reason Serafina is dating Derrick Iwin. She'd still be with me if not for the kiss." Albus couldn't stand to use Theresa's first name anymore, so he referred to her solely by her surname._

"_No, Serafina was bothered by you before Theresa kissed you. I read her nonverbal communication, and it seemed to say that you were a nuisance, being around her all the time."_

"_I helped her come back to Hogwarts; she _owed _me her time!" Dumbledore saw his young self screech, furiously._

"_Albus, you and I have a different opinion on what one owes. You did not have to help her return; you only did it out of infatuation. She never cared one iota for you. And maybe you haven't noticed, but she is a selfish, conceited, narcissistic prig! She used you only to have someone do her homework. Theresa, on the other hand, really cares about you, but since you won't give her the time of day she deserves, she's with _me_ now."_

_Albus laughed. "I think you're mistaken. Perhaps Theresa is using you to get to me. Sounds like we both have been duped by women."_

_They parted at this statement. For three weeks they didn't speak one syllable to one another. Elphias was convinced that Theresa could like him for himself and not just because she wanted to garner Albus' attention. But he did notice that she seemed very attentive when he explained to her how to make Amorentia, the most potent love potion. She was a little dismayed when he told her two months for it to be ready, and the efficacy would be very weak at first, but would increase in potency if left alone for a while. She asked how long it would have to be to make someone who drinks it not be able to stop thinking about the witch who gave it to them (for some unknown reason, Theresa seemed to believe that only witches would need to use love potions, and that wizards had no use for them, though this view was contradicted by her asking a wizard for information about them). Elphias told her that a month of simmering will leave a puissant enough potion that it would be nearly impossible to cure, and the one who drinks a cup would never want to be out of sight of the maker. Sixth months of it and it would be incurable, though Elphias had never read about a witch who had waited that long to feed her victim._

_Elphias and Albus became friends again. Sometime in January, Theresa dumped Elphias all of a sudden, with no reason given. Albus reassured a weeping Elphias, who seemed convinced no other girl would ever like him. _

_The scene dissipated once more. Here would be the end of the Serafina Lumbig era in Albus' life. He did not know that then, but such it would prove to be._

_Seventh years were taking their N.E.W.T.'s, and the sixth years were being given mountains of homework to do over the summer break. Albus was sitting outside the Great Hall, impatiently waiting for Serafina to emerge from her Defense Against the Dark Arts N.E.W.T. _

_Finally, she came. Albus had helped her prepare for it—he had continued to do her homework, even though she wouldn't speak to him except to tell him what she needed done. He was crazy about her. And now at last he had a way to win her._

_He had saved this for the end, because he knew strategically that if he mentioned it near the time when Serafina would leave Hogwarts and perhaps never see him again, she'd remember his offer if she refused now. Though he doubted she'd be able to refuse. It was too thrilling, especially for a girl such as she. But if he had mentioned it in the middle of the school year, she'd forget and it wouldn't matter. She'd never forget now. And if she became a Notchwoman, which she feared so, she'd always yearn to come back to him and take up his offer._

_A noise within the Great Hall informed Albus that the exam was over. Students came pouring out, and Albus prepared to play his trump card. Then he saw Derrick Iwin, laughing at his coarse jokes. Albus almost turned to go, meaning to give up, but something within him said, "This is your last chance."_

_He approached her, and said he needed to speak to her alone. When she seemed reluctant to leave Derrick's side, Albus told her it was urgent. Then she shooed Derrick away, and went with Albus into an empty classroom._

"_This had better be important," Serafina snarled. Albus sensed that there was something more than simply wishing she were with Derrick in her tone. It was as if she hated being alone with Albus, perhaps for fear that he'd coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do._

"_Look, Serafina. I have the means to give you what you crave most—gold and power. I've already discovered a use for dragon's blood, and I'm certain there are a few more. I'm not even out of Hogwarts yet, and I already have a dresser full of Galleons. I will not be able to spend them until I come of age—in a couple of months, but they're there. I sent some of them to you so that you and Griselda could come to Hogwarts. And I'll keep sending stuff for Griselda until she graduates—"_

"_She doesn't need it," Serafina said, a trace of malice in her voice._

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes. My family will find its own way to pay for her education, as well as Lucy and Kitty's."_

"_Very well."_

"_Now, please, hurry up and say what you have to say. I want to enjoy myself these last few days before I'm forced to go into Notchwoman training."_

"_Well, you see, Serafina—I have plans to make a greater world. Where Muggles are subordinate to wizards, and where magical folk don't have to hide anymore! I will rule this world alone, and if you were my wife, you'd be as rich and famous as you could ever hope for. I may not be able to prove that this will occur, but I feel it. I have such innate power—I'm probably the greatest wizard who ever lived since Merlin."_

_Serafina was surprised to see this boast in Albus. Maybe she had underestimated him. But he was probably lying to her, making up this whole charade to impress her. "So, witches and wizards are superior to Muggles, in your opinion?"_

"_Yes, and Squibs. Mudbloods are the weakest of the magical people, so we will have to create a separate school for them from Hogwarts."_

_Serafina's nostrils flared, slightly. "What about Muddrifters?"_

"_No, they're okay; Hogwarts will always be open to them. Without Muddrifters, the wizarding race would most surely die out," Albus said. Then he added, a little offhandedly, "You'd be a great mother someday."_

"_I'm not going to have children," Serafina said, clearly taking offense at the remark._

"_Why not?"_

"_Albus, you must be blind to not realize I'm not the mothering type. Queen Victoria may rule England still, but I do not believe in her idealization of motherhood. I'm indolent, you know. I'm not afraid to say it. I value my time; I cannot give it to a child."_

_Albus was a little dismayed at this, for he wanted kids. But it didn't matter. "Look, Serafina, do you really want to be a Notchwoman?"_

"_No, of course not! I told you that several times, Albus."_

"_I can help you avoid it."_

"_In exchange for marriage, which I can't give you. Not that there's any way to prove to me that you'll be this all-powerful ruler. Where do you live? A run-down place called Godric's Hollow. You're telling me that a virtual nobody from Godric's Hollow will become the most face wizard of the twentieth century? You're dreaming, Albus."_

"_Serafina, I may have big dreams—and they may seem unreal, but I know they'll happen. My articles have already appeared in _Tranfiguration Today. _I'm their youngest contributor. Who knows where I'll be in five years, ten? I wouldn't be surprised if they begged me to become Minister of Magic one day."_

"_Again, big dreams, Albus."_

"_So you wouldn't marry me?"_

"_Not this century, anyhow," _

_Albus felt like crying. But then he took her words at face-value. It was 1888. Maybe in twelve years she'd be ready for him. _

"_Oh, Albus, I really don't want to hurt your feelings. You do deserve a girl, just not me. Don't worry; you'll meet the right one someday. And if we are destined to be together, we'll meet again. But now we must go out separate ways."_

_And so they did. Albus wrote a threatening note to Serafina when he became outraged at her rejection, saying that she'd regret spurning him, but he tore it to pieces before he could send it. She may've broken his heart, but he could never harm her, with the written word or otherwise. _


End file.
